The Reward of Family

Here is another excerpt from the book I'm helping R.D. with, The Greatest Adventure I Never Dreamed Of."

We were not supposed to be able to have children. So after twelve years of childless marriage, I was astonished to find out Elaine was pregnant. I wondered why she was pregnant after all these years? WHY? And who was I asking “why,” anyway?

Elaine asked for a year leave of absence from her job as a teacher. I couldn’t wait for the year to be up so we would have two salaries again. We had just built a new home and this pregnancy was not convenient for our budget. It was critical for her to begin work again to support our lifestyle. A friend of mine asked me if Elaine was going to stay home when the child was born. I said “NO! She will work like everyone else. We have a house to pay for and a life style we like.” In my mind, our new baby was destined for the world of daycare.

I was there when the baby was born. I went through all the birth training, but I was not really prepared for what I experienced. I was not prepared to see the extreme effort of my wife through thirteen hours of labor. I was not prepared to see the wet wiggling babe being place at her breast moments after birth. It gave me a picture of love I had never before seen. At the moment of birth, I was changed for the second time (the first was the brilliance of the created beauty of my first brown trout). I knew that there was something greater than man. I remember the sweat on her brow and the tired look to her features. More than anything else, I saw a depth of caring and joy in her eyes that I had never before seen, or even thought possible. This was a new thing for me, and it changed me on the inside. I was changed by the deep, unconditional devotion that I saw in a mother’s eyes for her firstborn child. I saw a mother’s love.

There was something about this experience that was supernatural to me. How could a man and woman come together in marriage, love, and passion and make a baby like this? This little wiggling boy was a part of me. As I stood for the first time with my son Tanner in my hands, I knew that there was a greater good. I actually saw creation. I did not just feel love, I saw it.  For a moment, my personal desires and knowledge were neutral and I could see beyond myself. I knew there had to be a Creator.

After we took Tanner home with us, I continued to be stirred by Elaine’s gentle love for our son. Her commitment to meet his needs never faltered under the extreme, unending demands this little person placed on her. Despite (or maybe because of) these new responsibilities, she was more content and at peace than I had ever seen her. My love for her and this tiny person began to grow. I was beginning to see that life could be, and maybe should be, about more than me.

One day, as the time drew near for Elaine to go back to work, I was walking through our home when she reached out, took my hand, and got down on her knees. I was confused and my first thought was, “What in the world is this woman doing?” She looked up into my face and I saw great tears forming in her eyes. With a trembling voice, she said, “I will do anything in this world if you will let me stay home and raise our son.”  Now with tears streaming down her face she begged, “Please, please, please.” Then, for the third time in my life, I was changed on the inside. It felt as if an arrow pierced my heart and soul. It was the deep, penetrating sense of her love for Tanner. Never before had I seen this kind of passion from any person about anything. Unknowingly, she had just discovered the greatest calling in her life—being a mother.

So we sold the new house. I left the job I loved more than anything in the world to run a business that I thought would provide more than a teachers pay. I didn’t know anything about that business and soon found that I hated it. So I sold it and bought a second business I knew nothing about. The second business was a little less stressful, but still very demanding. The rewards of changing my job were great. They were not financial rewards, though; they were much more important than that. My reward was my family.

The Problem of Goodness

"What Darwinism has never been able to account for is human kindness or altruism. . . . The evolutionary explanation for altruism is really just selfishness in disguise. . . . But that, of course, isn't altruism at all. . . . In contrast, Christians understand that while all of us are born with the capactiy for selfishness and curetly, we are also capable of caring for others. . . . Recent advances in neurobiology show that the impulse toward altruism may even be hardwired. . . . Our opponents are always quick to point to the problem of evil in the world. But as we can see, an equally important problem exists for the secularist: the problem of goodness." - Chuck Colson, "The Problem of Goodness," Christianity Today (Dec 09)

Wisdom from a Godly Old Man

I just met B.W. Miller Sr., a local mountain man who grew up on a potato farm in the Howard’s Creek area. He now lives on his great granddaddy’s farm. His dad was also surveyor, which he did until he was in his seventies. One day he was with his dad surveying and he said, “Let’s go back to the house, B.W., I just can’t figure any more.” Mr. Miller is now eighty-four years old but still works every day with his son taking care of beef cattle. He explained, “When my son was little he used tottle around after me everywhere I went. Now that I’m old, I tottle around him everywhere he goes.”

As I continued to talk with him, I realized that this was a man who had allowed the experiences of life and the truth of God to give him depth and fullness. So, standing in the driveway with the Spring sunlight shining on us, I took advantage of this brief opportunity and asked, “What is the most important piece of advice you would give a young man?”

He didn’t really have to think about it. He looked at me for a moment, as if to determine how serious I was about my question. Then he answered, “Take care of your wife.” As tears filled his eyes, he repeated, “Take care of your wife. Take care of her . . . every day. She’s the most precious thing you have. And take care of your children. . . . You have to communicate with your wife and children. Be sure you talk to them. I’ve been married for 54 years and me and my wife have never had a fightin’ quarrel. We have had disagreements, but no quarrel. . . . I learned that when she’s ill, I’m to be careful. And when I’m ill, she’s careful. . . . And when you get old, after 54 years of marriage, you keep taking care of her. She’s not doing so well now and I still take care of her every day.”

Interviewed by a Homeschooler

Emma Curtis, one of the students in our local home school association (High Country Christian Home Schoolers), e-mail interviewed me for their online publication. Here are the questions and my answers:

1) How long have you been homeschooling?  Six years

2) Do you have any tips for new homeschoolers that plan to have large families?

We recommend selecting a curriculum that allows you to teach some subjects to several grade levels at once. We use My Father’s World. We are able to teach Bible, History, Vocabulary, Art, and Science to our three oldest together (5th, 4th, and 2nd grades). This is not only efficient for the parents, but it gives us more of a group learning experience with more dialogue and learning from the other students. Although they are studying the same basic subject, they are allowed to work at their own levels.

I would assume that a large family full of undisciplined, selfish consumers would be quite miserable. The only way it is possible to have a large family and a peaceful home is for each family member to see himself or herself as a productive part of a team. It is important to establish a culture of service, strong relationships, kindness, and shared purpose.

3) What are the Christian principles that your family embraces most?

The purpose of our family is to love God, love people, and make disciples. This is not unique, of course. We believe that is God’s purpose for all believers, families and churches. As I mentioned in the last question, having such a purpose is one of the keys to having a productive, peaceful home. All other principles, guidelines, or questions fall somewhere under these goals.

4) What are some of the greatest triumphs and trials our family experienced while planting a new church in Boone?

The greatest trial of our experience in starting Highland Christian Fellowship was working through significant theological and practical difference with other believers. This can be hard at two levels. First is when such difference are dealt with wrongly, without humility, patience, and love. Second is when such differences cannot be resolved, even when dealt with rightly. We have learned that it is important to discern between primary and secondary issues of faith. There are comparatively few primary issues of faith that must be met for Christian fellowship. In general, I’m afraid the Church often makes too much of secondary issues.

The greatest triumph of our experience has been the tremendous spiritual growth of everyone involved. Many of us have seen the last few years as providing the most significant spiritual growth in our lives. Now that we are established, our hope is that the greatest triumph will be that God uses us powerfully to see the lives of others transformed by the love and truth of Christ.

Organizing Chores for the Kids

Six kids (and two adults) can wreck a house in very little time. So we make the kids clean it up! We believe that kids are supposed to do chores just because they are part of our home (not for an allowance). It teaches them to take care of their own stuff, care about their environments, and learn to serve and be a part of a family and community. In addition, you just can't have a bunch of kids and expect (and thus train) them to all just be consumers in your house. Everyone pitches in. But we have found that teaching and managing six kids in doing chores is almost as hard as cleaning the house ourselves. Overtime, though, we have developed a pretty good system for dividing the chores among the kids. This weekend we found ourselves seeing a need to reevaluate and reorganize what we were doing because it wasn't working as well as we need it to. Then Dana remembered that she bought a set of books from Steven and Teri Maxwell that included a book on how to organize your children's chores, Managers of Their Chores: A Practical Guide to Children's Chores. So I read it over the weekend; It is outstanding!

There are several chapters on the biblical basis, the current benefits, and the future benefits of chores for children. I was impressed with the way they placed something as tedious as chores in the context of loving and depending on God. So we are going to try out their suggested method of managing and organizing our kid's chores. I was especially pleased to find that they have a website, chorepack.com, with digital material, forums, and other resources. There is even an online service called ChoreWare that helps you organize and print your own personalized version of the system. Although we haven't tried it yet, I highly recommend the book. The online service is easy to use and highly adaptable to each family's needs. We'll let you know how it goes!