How to Avoid Dead End Conversations: 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution

I have had way too many conversations that went absolutely NOWHERE! That is especially discouraging when I am trying to discuss what I feel to be an important topic. In the next two steps in the 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution, I hope to point out some conversation strategies that will you help you avoid those dead end conversations.

6.     Talk

At this point in the 9 Steps, I finally get to do what I’ve been chomping at the bit to do since the problem first began: talk. Hopefully taking the other steps first  (which you can read about here: 1, 2 & 3, 4 & 5) has prevented me from making some major mistakes. If I have made it this far in the process, and still believe that there is a legitimate issue that needs to be resolved, then it is time to talk. But how I approach this is critical.


First, ask questions. I should not come into the conversation with guns a’ blazing, firing off my accusations. Here is a wise saying,


“If one gives an answer before he hears,
it is his folly and shame.”
(Prov 18:13)


Bring up the topic by asking for more information about what happened, how the other person feels about it, or what motivated the situation. Listen to what they say.


Second, be gentle and kind. Even if we are asking questions, we are probably poking into a sensitive area. Another wise word,


“A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
(Prov 15:1)


This open and gentle approach often gives the other person space to fess up to their own mistakes without having to confront them.


7.     Discern


       Now that you have more information, the next task in the conversation is to discern what kind of issue you are facing. I will suggest two basic categories:

        a)  those of a secondary nature, involving personal conviction or preference
b)  those involving violation of central biblical principles


Paul warns the Romans “not to quarrel over opinions” (14:1). On these secondary issues, “each one should be fully convinced in his own mind” (14:5). “Each of us will give an account of himself to God” (14:12).


Not that I can’t discuss questions of opinion or the best way to get something done. But I will do so with humility and patience. And ultimately, I will be willing to let it go and let the other person live according to his or her own conviction.

 There are some issues, though, that we cannot ignore. If so, we must move to the next step, which I will explain in the next post.

 Do you have any other suggestions for avoiding dead end conversations?

Next Step: Saying Hard Things to People You Love

Wisdom is Moral

“But where shall wisdom be found? And where is the place of understanding? Man does not know its worth. . . . It cannot be bought for gold. . . . God understands the way to it, And he knows its place. . . . He saw it and declared it; He established it, and searched it out. And he said to man, ‘Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom, and to turn away from evil is understanding.’” Job 30:12-28

I was struck by the simplicity of these verses this morning. Wisdom is moral discernment and righteousness. “It cannot be bought for gold.” This reminds me of the highly valued “college education,” which is purchased. Wisdom cannot be obtained this way. Wisdom is different than knowledge. One can have knowledge and not discernment and righteousness. You can determine how wise you are based on whether your not you can discern evil and whether or not you turn away from it.

Making Plans?

If you are making plans, consider these Proverbs:

"Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way." Proverbs 19:2

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

"Plans are established by counsel; by wise guidance wage war." Proverbs 20:18

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." Proverbs 21:5